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How My Fantastic Farm Animals Recycle Their Refuse
by Johnnie Ruffin
On our farm, we kept two dragons, two goblins and twelve goobers. We had more goobers than we
knew what to do with and they were the messy kind too. I mean, you could bring out the dragons
and people would “ooh” and “awww”, but when you bring out a goober or a goblin, you’d just get
a “eww”. People would just cover their noses and refuse to buy pies or merchandise when a goober
came their way.
Of course, the whole reason we got magical creatures was because you can’t find a normal way
to wound one. Cows get sick, hurt themselves on a fence, but a dragon is nearly invincible.
We charge only twenty dollars to get on the land and you are not forced to buy a drink (
although the mile and half walk to the dragons does encourage most to take note
of the dollar-fifty bottles of soda).
Neither are you forced to try the sweet apple pie that we have near the stalls for only fifteen
forty-five. But those damn goobers are always slinking around the dragons, their green slim e
mucking up the grass and mixing with shed scales. And you’d think that would be the end of it, but
their affection extends beyond just the dragons and they always try to kiss the crowd in the
Goobers are just messy generally, but a goober kiss is like being spit on by your great-grandma
when she has a mouth full of honey and forgot to put her teeth in, except that the honey smells like
your uncle’s feet after a walk to town and back.
Some people puke their guts out right there. That’s when the goblins get involved. They
love it when people puke. They laugh in that piggish way that makes the snot roll down their
snouts. That’s when the big bubbles of mucous take to the air and where they pop is a pool of wet,
oily, greenish goblin boogers. That usually leads to more puke pretty fast, especially if you
happen to get hit by a goblin boogey bubble. I tell people to buy a rain coat for only twelve
dollars and 95 cents, just in case.
On our farm, we got a yellow dragon and a pink dragon whose scales sparkle in the light.
They come out of their stalls after all the kisses, puke, and bogeys and start lapping the stuff up.
See, that’s why we keep the goobers and the goblins. Dragons love sweet and salty goblin
boogers mixed with puke and slime.
What the dragons miss the goobers tend to absorb. That’s probably why their slime is so nasty
and why the dragons love it. Of course, most people can’t think of any other way to lose
weight and have a good time than to visit us on our farm.
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